Kevin Laliberte
Editor, Smoky River Express

There’s definitely more to Halloween than simply costumes and candy. For parents who partake in this annual tradition, it’s also an opportunity to hand out fistfuls of sweet, sweet justice. Up until last year I never placed too much emphasis on which goodies to purchase for those devilish trick-or-treaters who come a rap, rap, rapping on our door. But this year is different, simply because my wife and I have officially removed the parental Halloween shackles of having to keep a watchful eye on our children and coaching them on how to shake down the neighbours for the big ticket sweets. Okay... so the above statement more or less refers to Jacqui’s involvement as a parental watchdog over the past couple of years. But sitting on the couch, watching the big game on the tube, and trying to patrol the front door by doling out the goods every three minutes isn’t exactly a picnic for me either. Over the past few years I’ve become somewhat of a sucker on Halloween for the smaller working class of children when it comes to dispersing treats. It’s based on my philosophy that newcomers to the tradition of Halloween as ghouls and goblins, have to work that much harder to round up those goodies as opposed to their older counterparts. Thus the need to devise a workable formula for candy dispersal which rewards the younger generation of Halloween enthusiasts for their effort, enthusiasm and originality, while addressing the candy-pilfering hormone-raging veterans who demonstrate little imagination by showing up as themselves while demonstrating the manners of a billygoat. No, I’m not one of those demanding parents seeking a song and dance from the over-aged and sometimes disrespectful breed of youths as a punishment for their spurts of less than appropriate behaviour. But for pete’s sake, show some courtesy towards the little ones before trampling over them and shoving your industrial-sized garbage bag in my face. This year I’m mixing things up a bit by placing trick-or-treaters into three categories: the cutsie-wutsie polite kids, the “give me, give me” batch and the over-the-hill teens bordering on Halloween retirement. For the younger generation (and the fatigued parents riding side saddle) I’m dishing out chocolate bars and gum balls. As for the half-hearted, pushy breed of trick-or-treaters stopping by the Laliberte homestead, well they’ll get their choice of an individually-wrapped caramel or palm-sized bag of stale croutons. And if you really give me attitude I’ll drop one of those rock hard, disgusting black-and-orange Halloween candies that typically wind up in the garbage can. For the veterans out there with 10-plus years of experience under their belts, just remember that I do reserve the right to refuse issuing treats to any teenager who has more facial hair than me or a deeper voice than mine. If you’re over the age of 14 you will receive a slip of paper with the telephone number to the nearest student employment office in addition to a few choice words of advice. “Get a job and buy your own candy. It’s time to cut the Halloween umbilical cord.” As an added bonus you’ll also get a complimentary sailor’s hat folded out of newspaper. Better luck at the next house, matey!

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