Kevin Laliberte
Editor, Smoky River Express

If you’re a fan of the reality television hit show Survivor then you’ll definitely appreciate my column this week… especially if you’re a married woman with children and a husband who isn’t exactly pulling his weight in terms of marital responsibilities. If the above statement clearly defines your lousy excuse of a husband then you may want to consider entering him as a participant on the next version of Survivor, entitled “No Man’s Land.” Okay, here’s how it works (guys: run while you can). Six married men are placed on a populated island with one car and three kids each for six weeks. Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes. Oh, and did I forget to mention, there is no fast food. Each man must take care of the daily needs of his three children in addition to keeping his assigned house clean, correcting all homework, complete science projects, cooking, doing the laundry, and paying the bills. The male contestants must also take each child to a doctor’s appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment once every second week in addition to being required to bake cookies or cupcakes for social functions each week. The men are also responsible for decorating their assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times. Note: watching sports and drinking beer is an absolute no-no and will result in immediate grounds for disqualification. Male participants only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all daily chores are completed… if they can stay awake that long. You’re also required to get their designated four-year-old child to eat a serving of peas one a week. During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from their daily duties. They also must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once a week take the kids to a park or similar setting. Contestants also need to read a book to the children each night (without falling asleep before them), and help feed, dress, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7 a.m. Oh, and the kids must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes. The men are required to have a loving response to all daily requests from their children and must refrain from using the age-old excuse “Go see your mother.” An immunity idol challenge reward is awarded once a week over the six-week period to: (week one) the man who successfully remembers the date of his wife’s birthday and their wedding anniversary; (week two) can make it through three consecutive episodes of Oprah Winfrey without shedding a tear; (week three) wins the hot wax leg and underarm hair removal challenge; (week four) can apply makeup to their face while driving and without making a mess; (week five) makes the fastest lunches in the morning for the kids using all four basic food groups (and no, junk food is not a food group); and (week six) can change a diaper without vomiting or turning green. Spouses have the opportunity each week to vote one man off the island each based upon a detailed performance review. In the end the winner is eligible to play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years, or death, whichever comes first... eventually earning the right to be called Mr. Mom! Lord knows we’ve been called worse!

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