Off The Fence - I believe happily ever after is just the beginning

Susan Thompson
Express staff

My husband and I are going to be celebrating our tenth anniversary this July 3rd.

Ten years may not be all that long yet as marriages go (when it’s been 50 years, that’ll be something, I know) but being married these days is a bit like holding hands and running through a battlefield. You watch good friends blown apart around you, but you keep going, even as you can’t help but wonder if you’ll be next.

Emily wrote a column about Jon and Kate Plus 8, the TLC show now following the potential break-up of its title couple’s marriage, and I think maybe the reason the drama is so gripping is that “there but for the grace of God go I.” Divorce is a painful situation many of us have experienced, and if not, it’s one we dread experiencing.

My husband and I have some close friends going through the divorce process right now, and some of our very first friends in the Peace went through it all a few years ago. With Jon and Kate splashed all over the covers of every magazine you see at the grocery store reminding me of these sad facts, it makes me really appreciate that we’re made it this far.

I have to say, there weren’t many people close to us when we got married who bet on our marriage lasting very long. Fair enough, because we were young (we still are!). My husband and I were basically high school sweethearts. We met at a homecoming dance when I was in Grade 11 and he had already graduated, and we got married at the ripe old ages of 20 and 23. The older I get the more I appreciate how young we actually were.

Our families were worried. I understand why, but at the time, there were a couple of reasons I was sure it would work. First of all, my husband is my best friend. I knew we’d always have our friendship, so I knew we’d still have something to talk about when we were 80.

We also went through a lot of changes together, even before we got married, and so I knew we could weather the changes in ourselves as we continued to grow up and grow older.

So far, I’ve been right. My husband and I are still going strong.

That doesn’t mean we haven’t had our ups and downs, of course. I wonder sometimes if part of the reason some people get divorced is because they believe that once you get married, you’ve got your happily ever after, and you’re done. In fact, getting married is just the beginning.

We’ve learned that marriage takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of talking, a lot of adjusting, and a lot of compromise.

First, the simple day-to-day routine and changes in life can become difficult, everything from kids to work to money.

Plus, living with someone in a close relationship forces you to deal not only with change and your issues as a couple, but with your own issues as well. We all have our faults, our character flaws, and sometimes being married is like being held up to a mirror, making you face the truth about yourself. It’s not always easy because it’s not always pretty.

It’s so much easier to just blame the other person than to share responsibility for any problems and to try to change your own bad habits and negative behaviours.

I can see now how easy it is for people to grow apart. I’m not the same person I was ten years ago. Neither is Doug. But what’s saved our marriage from becoming a so-called “starter marriage” is that, so far, my husband and I have also managed to grow together, supporting one another along the way.

To do that, we’ve had to learn to support each other’s individuality, to appreciate the differences between us, and to let go of a lot of possessiveness and jealousy. You have to let go in some cases to hold on, and that’s a tough lesson too.

Above all it takes a lot of commitment, or you could even say simple stubbornness, to keep going when times are tough. But we haven’t given up on each other or our marriage yet, and because of that, we’ve always made it back to the good times and have many years of wonderful memories to share.

I don’t fault anyone for getting a divorce, because there are so many reasons a marriage might not work out. People change, and circumstances change.

But I still believe there are some loves that stand the test of time, and I still believe that our love is one of them.

Happy early anniversary, Doug. I love you

Copyright © 1999-2009 Smoky River Express. All Rights Reserved.
No part may be reproduced without written permission.

View our Privacy Statement.
Send website suggestions to the Webmaster