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Commentary: English language full of animal idioms
Commentary by Theresa Seraphim
for Smoky River Express
Firelight bounced off the animals as they gathered in the clearing.
The lion roared to call the meeting to order. “All right, we all know why we’re here this evening,” he said. “We’ve got to protest the way humans are using us in their English language.”
“Absolutely!” yelled the bull. “I’m ready to go charging right over there right now and tell them a thing or two! They think I couldn’t go into a china shop without knocking something over! Owwww!” he yelled as he slammed into the hyena.
“At least those in the stock market look on you positively – unlike me,” grumbled the bear.
“Well, what about me?” asked the skunk, taking a swig from a rum bottle. “I just have a little, now and then. Contrary to what humans think, I do NOT over imbibe!”
He whirled around at a whispering sound, as the snake came out of the brush.
“Man, you scared me!” said the skunk. “Do you have to hide like that?”
The snake shook its head. “Well, of course, I will be in the grass – it’s cooler there! It doesn’t mean I’m going to strike any humans. And could you please go” – tossing its head and gagging – “over there until your ‘fear’ has dissipated? Thanks.”
“I do NOT get drunk!” repeated the skunk, staggering to a bush on the other side of the field.
The goat looked at the hyena, whose coat was dishevelled.
“Sheesh – you look like something the cat dragged in,” said the goat, earning a glare from the feline who had overheard the remark.
The cuckoo chimed in with, “Well, I’m not insane, but if they keep using me as an example of being crazy, I’ll be mad, all right – as in irate!”
“Hear, hear!” called the loon. “I know exactly how you feel!”
The horse swallowed its last mouthful of grass. “See – I didn’t eat THAT much!” he snorted, tossing his mane and then burping.
All conversation ceased as the ram and ewe began arguing.
“How could you have deceived me with that – that – jerk?” yelled the ram. “I want a divorce.”
“No, no, please – let’s start again,” begged the ewe.
“Forget it!” hissed the ram. “You’re just a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”
Suddenly realizing they were the centre of attention, the ram and ewe stopped speaking and looked away from each other.
“All right,” said the lion immediately, to spare them further embarrassment. “Who’s going to go to the humans and tell them we’re tired of being stereotyped?”
When no creature stepped forward, the lion declared, “Let’s choose someone neutral – someone for whom there is no saying.”
The animals looked at each other.
“Anyone?” asked the lion.
“I don’t think so, sir,” replied the ladybug. “It seems all of us, in one way or another, have been generalized by humans.”
The ensuing silence was broken by the horse.
“Well…then what do we do?” he asked.
The ram shrugged his shoulders. “Well,” he said thoughtfully, “I suppose it does reflect our behaviour, doesn’t it? Both the bad and the good, I mean.”
The skunk nodded. “And it denotes the purpose each of us has.”
The animals thought about that for a moment.
“I suppose it’s better than not being known at all,” noted the hyena.
The other animals slowly nodded their heads as the implications of this statement sunk in.
“I just wish sometimes it was more positive,” said the skunk.
“What about some kind of education?” asked the snake. “You know, like bringing in a zoologist to tell them what we’re really like…”
The lion nodded. “Very good idea. I’ll call the local university in the morning and we’ll set up a public meeting for that purpose. All in favour?”
All hands went up, except for the snake, who vigorously nodded his head.
“Carried!” declared the lion. “All right, we’ve done all we can. Meeting adjourned.”
The animals dispersed. The badger, however, went up to the lion.
“Sir, I know I’ve mentioned this before, but –“
“Talk to me at my office tomorrow. It’s time for bed.”
“But sir, I need to express my – “
“BED! NOW!” roared the lion.
The badger finally left, and the lion sighed and shook his mane before heading off to his den for the night.
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